- I had my first child when I was 24 and raised her as a single mom.
- I met my now-husband when my daughter was 14, and I was 41.
- We adopted two boys at the age of 3 and 2, and despite knowing more, it was still hard.
I had my daughter when I was 24. I raised her as a single mom and met my now-husband when she was 14 and I was 41.
Thanks to uterine fibroids, I no longer possessed the baby-making parts. My husband had never been married or had children, so we adopted two little boys. There's an 18-year difference between my youngest and my oldest. People seem to enjoy pointing out that this is a large difference, which, yes, I realize.
When we adopted our boys, they were 2 and 3, respectively. I'm embarrassed to say this now, but I thought round two of parenting would be easier because I knew what I was doing. I was experienced.
Not even close.
Adoption adds another dimension to the complexity of ordinary parenting. While we had some adoption-related struggles with bringing our two boys into our family, the ordinary parenting stuff was hard. I knew what I was doing on some level, like how to diaper a butt, but the notion of "Oh, this will be easy because I'm experienced" flew out the window fast.
Parenting philosophies changed between my 20s and 40s
Views toward child raising have shifted between 1992, when I had my first baby, and 2012, when we adopted our 2-year-old, now 14. As a '70s baby, I was encouraged to be a "clean plate club" member and punished for "sass talking." While I adopted what I thought was a more modern view of parenting when I first became a mom, the script changed again. Parenting blogs taught me about gentle parenting, and social media was in full swing, with strangers telling me how terrible I was for letting my 2-year-old sip my Diet Coke.
I eventually found my way and a balance of trusting my instincts while remaining open to new ideas. I never jumped on the gentle parenting bandwagon, but I've learned it's important for my kids to question the world around them. I try not to use "because I said so" as a rationale for decisions they don't like, but sometimes, I hear my mom's voice when I open my mouth.
I'm the older parent
When I had my daughter at 25, other moms were my age. One of the first things I noticed with round two was how young other parents were compared to me. Not only that, they were in a different life stage than me. I had to work a little harder to make friends — I remember being called "Ma'am" by one of my son's friends at the playground — but eventually, I did. Nothing brings people together like conversations about puke and ear infections.
My friendships with other Gen-Xers fizzled. Most were childless or had older kids long past the "Mickey Mouse Club House" and day care struggles season of life. While there was no conscious ending of friendships, I now gravitated toward people who had younger kids, even if I had less in common with them outside parenting. If they were up for chatting about developmental milestones and perpetual tiredness, that was enough to spark a friendship.
My body is also older
I was a young 40-something, just as I'm a young 50-something today. Maybe this is something I tell myself to reinforce the illusion but it seems to be working. I've always been health-conscious, but when I knew I would be an "old mom" of younger kids, I resolved to keep moving and do everything I could to take care of myself. I also work hard to stay mentally young and be willing to challenge my beliefs and try new things. I told myself I wouldn't be that old woman complaining about "The good old days," and so far, so good.
But no matter how much I exercise and how many supplements I take, my body is older. When my kids were little, things like bending over to give them baths made me realize that although I might feel young, my back said otherwise. There's no bouncing back from a sleepless night - I'm wrecked for at least a day.
But just because parenting the second time around was a little — OK, maybe a lot — harder doesn't mean I have regrets. My sleep patterns are forever trashed, and there are many times when my response to the onset of teen shenanigans is, "I'm too old for this." However, my decision to have more kids a little later in life, while maybe unconventional, was the best decision.